21 Ways to Annoy Sauron
by ThisMortalCoil
Summary: 21 ways to annoy our favorite villain who can never find his ring. It seems that Sauron is going to need some headache medicine. Completed. And yes, this is NOT written in list format.
1. Chapter 1

**21 Ways to Annoy Sauron**

**Disclaimer: Random Nemesis does not own Lord of the Rings.**

**I was looking through my documents when I found this. **

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_**1: Buy a bag of onion rings. Tell him that you have the one onion ring to rule them all.**_

Random Ringwraith Number Seven, skipped merrily through the dark depressing gloomy hallways of The Tower of Barad-dûr. In his right hand was a morgul ring. In his left hand was a bright sun yellow bag of onion rings. Not looking where he was going, he suddenly crashed into Ringwraith Number Three.

"What's up dawg," Number Three asked Number Seven.

"Nothing much, I chased after some hobbits, had lunch, and then got attacked by an insane ranger."

"That's better than my day at least," Number Three yawned. "What's that?"

"It's a bag of onion rings that I bought at the 'Evil Morons Supermarket'!"

"Can I have some?"

"Sure," Number Seven opened the bag of onion rings. Little did they know that Sauron was walking down the dark depressing gloomy hallway towards them.

"Yes," Number Three shouted triumphantly. "I have the One Onion Ring to rule them all!"

"What did you say," Sauron approached them angrily.

"Oh crap," the two Ringwraiths looked at each other, knowing that they had just insulted his beloved ring. With out another word, they looked at each other and then raced away, leaving a very angry dark lord behind them.

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_**2: Run around screaming "Isildur's heir is coming."**_

All was peaceful in the desolate dusky Tower of Barad-dûr as the dark lord Sauron walked through the hallways. As he was turning the corner, he heard someone scream.

"Help," the Mouth of Sauron screamed as he raced down the hall toward Sauron.

Sauron covered his ears. The Mouth of Sauron had an extremely loud voice.

"Isildur's heir is coming," the Mouth of Sauron screamed again, like a little girl.

"What," Sauron pulled out his sword. "Where?"

"I got this text message," the Mouth of Sauron pulled out his cell phone. Quickly he showed it to Sauron.

"You idiot," Sauron grumbled, angry that his eardrums had been blasted for no reason. "This is a prank text."

Somewhere in Middle-Earth, a man, an elf, and a dwarf were laughing their heads off.

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_**3: Get him a fake ring for Christmas. **_

"I got a rocket ship," Ringwraith Number Eight shouted happily, as he raced around the undecorated living room of The Tower of Barad-dûr. Yup, Sauron doesn't have much Christmas Spirit. If he was green, you could probably call him the Grinch who stole Christmas, and lost his ring.

Sauron looked over greedily at his pile of presents, and then picked one up. Carefully unwrapping it, he opened it and saw that it was the One Ring.

"Holy Crabapples," Sauron squealed like a little girl as he put the ring on his finger. After a few moments he then realized something. It was a fake. "NO!" Looking around he noticed a piece of paper in the wrappings. There was a name scribbled on it.

Gandalf.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, Elf Reborn, WereCatsRule, callingmecloser, Booknerd101, VampyressOfCoffee, fireamber, amberhathaway, Katie Ladmoore, and Jocasta Silver for reviewing. **

**Disclaimer: Random Nemesis does not own Lord of the Rings.**

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_**4: Mistake him for Darth Vader.**_

"That was an epic movie!"

"My favorite part was when Luke blew up the Death Star!"

"Princess Leia was hot," Ringwraiths Four, Eight, and Two chattered enthusiastically as they walked down the dark, dreary, hallways of the Tower of Barad-dûr. They had just finished watching "Star Wars: A New Hope" for their annual Friday movie night.

"Just imagine if Darth Vader really existed," Number Four remarked. Unknown to most creatures, the Ringwraiths were actually comical wimps. For example: Number Eight's dream job was to become a Broadway actor, and his greatest fear was tap dancing crabs.

"Now that would be terrifying," Number Two shivered.

_Meanwhile…_

Sauron was having a bad day. First he had fallen down the stairs, then his elevator had broke, he still couldn't find his ring, and he had gotten this cold that was making it hard for him to breathe correctly. His breathing sounded a bit like this "Ho pa, ho pa…"

_Back to the three morons…_

The Three Ringwraiths hurried down the damp, depressing hallway. Their shadows seemed to creep up beside them, waiting to strike. Yes, the PG movie was already scaring them. It was then that they heard a horrible sound.

"Ho pa, ho pa."

Stopping dead in their tracks, the three slowly turned around and saw a dark shape.

"Ah, it's Darth Vader," Number Two screamed.

"RUN," yelled Number Four. Without hesitation the three wimps raced away, leaving a very annoyed Sauron behind them.

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_**5: Get a restraining order on him. **_

_Somewhere in Mordor_

"Mr. Frodo, get down," Sam pushed the two of them down as Sauron's eye turned toward them.

"Sam, I swear, I feel like Sauron is stalking us with that eye," Frodo shuttered.

"I agree with you on that," Sam nodded. "Someone should put a restraining order on him

Frodo looked at his dirty fingernails. "Sam, I have an idea."

(At The Tower of Barad-Dûr)

"Lord Sauron," a random orc walked over to Sauron's throne. "I have brought the mail as you requested.

"Good, now leave," Sauron began flipping through the mail. "Junk, junk, junk, more junk. Hey, I got a coupon for 25% savings on sharpies!" Then his face turned to horror as he looked at the next piece of mail.

"_Dear Lord Sauron,_

_A restraining order has been placed on you. If you, or you eye are less than twenty-five feet away from any hobbit, you will be arrested. _

_Sincerely, _

_The Manager of Hobbit and Carrot Rights (Aka: Wolf)"_

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_**6: Run around with a broken sword.**_

Running down the gloomy hallways of The Tower of Barad-Dûr, were Ringwraiths Three and Seven.

"Running with scissors makes me feel dangerous," Number Seven yelled.

As I've said before, the Ringwraiths are wimps.

"Oh yeah," Number Three pulled out his sword. Or attempted to, considering that Number One had put glue into the sheath, and now the sword was stuck. Frowning, Number Three stopped, and began pulling on the hilt. Suddenly a loud crack was heard as Number Three pulled out a broken half of the sword. Shame, they just don't make swords like they use to. Shrugging, Number Three raced after Number Seven, waving his broken sword madly in the air.

"Running with pointy objects makes me feel dangerous," Number Three yelled.

It was then that Sauron, once again, turned the corner, and almost ran into Number Three, just as Number Three was yelling "I am invincible with my broken sword!" As those words were spoken, Sauron had vivid images race through his head as he remembered when his finger and the ring had been cut off with a broken sword (which had been recently reforged). With a murderous cry, Sauron forgot all dignity, and raced after Number Three with a non-broken sword.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you StarlightDragon1636, Booknerd101, She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, VampyressOfCoffee, fireamber, Melda the Elf, Katie Ladmoore** **and WereCatsRule for reviewing. Also thank you Princess Arimae for the PM. **

**Disclaimer: Random Nemesis does not own Lord of the Ring.**

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**_**7: Tell him that you lost your ring. Ask him to help you look for it. **_

Ringwraith Number Seven was in a state of despair and anxiety. Now, you may be wondering what could cause a Ringwraith to be in such a sad mood. He had lost his ring. Well, actually it was his great-grandmother's ring. If she found out that he had lost it, he would be haunted for an eternity by the creepiest great-grandmother ever.

"Take deep breaths," Ringwraith Number Six instructed as they looked around. Out of all the Ringwraiths, Number Six had the most common sense.

Number Seven crouched on the floor, looking around. It was then that he saw the Dark Lord Sauron. Not using his common sense, he raced over to Sauron.

"I lost my ring; can you help me find it?"

If you were able to look through Sauron's helmet, the look on his face was priceless.

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_**8: Find something shinny, and walk around saying "My Precious!" **_

Out of all the Ringwraiths, Number Two was the strangest. And I mean strange. If he wasn't evil, he would probably be hanging out with the duo of DOOM (Aka: Nemesis and Wolf) He also has an incredibly short attention span.

"I found a shiny penny!"

Yes, Number Two had indeed found an American penny in the hallways of the Tower of Barad-Dûr. How it got there, the world may never know.

"My Precious," Number Two began walking around while stroking the penny. Ah, the wonders of what a shinny piece of metal can do. As fate would have it, Sauron chose to walk around the coroner while Number Two was calling the penny "My Precious."

The Dark Lord Sauron was very annoyed.

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_**9: Use a pitchfork to stab Sauron's "all seeing eye".**_

At this moment in time, Middle-Earth was in chaos.

At this moment, the army's of Gondor and Rohan were battling the army of Mordor. It was also at this moment that Frodo and Sam were attempting to climb up Mount Doom. But, it was also at this moment that a very insane authoress had decided to have some fun. I bet you can guess who it is. Yup, it's Nemesis.

"Sugar is the key to victory," Nemesis whispered to herself madly as she carefully walked up the stairs, holding her famous green pitchfork in her right hand. Silently she sunk into the shadows of Sauron's "all seeing eye" however, she probably could have stood right in front of it, considering that it was stalking Aragorn and his army.

Grinning, she let out a loud crackle of laughter, and stabbed her pitchfork into the center of the eye. With another crackle of laughter, she disappeared, leaving a very antagonized Sauron, who now had an extreme head-ache. Now we all know why Frodo had so much time to throw the ring into Mount Doom.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you Silver Moonlight Tigeress, She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, Booknerd101, Karm Starkiller, Maddie Rose, GiggidyBop, MadameGiry25, xXJedi Knight BlazeXx, VampyressOfCoffee, and StarlightDragon1636 for reviewing. **

**Disclaimer: Random Nemesis does not own Lord of the Rings. **

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**_**10: Redecorate his tower with the flags of Gondor. **_

Sauron knew that there was something wrong even before he woke up. He could feel it deep in his bone marrow. The air within the tower felt lighter than normal. The dark dreariness seemed to have evaporated. Scowling, Sauron climbed out of bed.

"I smell something foul," he walked through the hallway. Then, as he entered the main hallway, it hit him.

"IT BURNS," he yelled. Where old torn up black flags, cobwebs, and spider webs had been, now were the flags and colors of Gondor.

"Yes, my lord," Ringwraith Number Two calmly approached Sauron.

"What happened to my beautiful tower," Sauron was now close to tears.

"All the other Ringwraiths got drunk last night. I guess they decided to re-decorate," Ringwraith Number Two was still clam. "They have been watching a lot of home improvement shows lately."

Sauron was now furious. Geez, that guy sure was having a lot of mood swings, one moment was crying, and now he is angry. "Get them to clean this up then!"

"Yes, my lord," Ringwraith Number Two was still calm.

"And I mean NOW!"

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_**11: Replace his army of orcs with hobbits.**_

The Dark Lord Sauron strutted through the hallways of the Tower of Barad-Dûr. He was looking forward to inspecting his army of DOOM. As he stepped onto his balcony, he was met with a horrifying sight. "Witch-king!"

"Yes, Lord Sauron," the Witch-king came over.

"What happened to my army of DOOM," Sauron pointed down. Instead of an army of, it was an army of hobbits. An army of hobbits were probably one of the least frightening armies there were.

"Well, all of the orcs decided to use their vacation time. We put job openings in the newspaper, and all these hobbits signed up."

Sauron had the sudden urge to get a hammer and hit himself in the head with it.

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_**12: Invite him to Aragorn's coronation.**_

"Well, it seems that there are still a few open spots for your coronation," Legolas looked over at the list of invites for Aragorn's coronation.

Aragorn groaned. "I don't care about who you invite; just make sure it's not Gollum or your great aunt Mildred." Aragorn got up. "I think that I need headache medicine," he left.

Legolas looked over at the list and pondered. "_Who should I invite_?" An evil idea then popped into his head. Snickering, he began to write the invite.

_Later…_

"My lord," a random orc walked into the throne room. "I come bearing the mail."

"Good," Sauron took the mail and began looking through it. "Junk, junk, junk, more junk, awesome a twenty-five percent discount on nail polish!"

Everyone looked over at Sauron.

"Not that I use nail polish," Sauron coughed. "Junk, junk, hey, what's this," he began to open a neat white envelope.

"_Dear Lord Sauron,_

_ You have been invited to attended King Aragorn's coronation. Please leave all weapons at your residence. _

_Sincerely, Legolas Thranduil" _


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you Princess Arimae, VampyressOfCoffee, DaniPotterCedric'sGirl, MadameGiry25, She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, StarlightDragon1636, VampyressOfCoffee, YenSerenity, Celibi the pokemon girl, amberhathaway, fireamber, Taryn Streambattle, WereCatsRule, Nisha A. Hailm, xXJedi Knight BlazeXx, Laterose13, Alya Thranduiliell, Jocasta Silver and tameera the evil one fore reviewing! **

**Disclaimer: Random Nemesis does not own Lord of the Rings. **

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**_**13: Put a door bell on the Black Gate. Keep ringing it saying "Pizza Delivery!" **_

"But how are we going to get in, Master Frodo," Sam asked as they hid behind a rock near the black gate.

"I don't know," Frodo sighed. Then a light bulb appeared above his head. "I have a plan!"

_Meanwhile_…

The dark lord Sauron strutted through his troops as he inspected them near the Black Gate. It was a good day to be a dark lord.

"PIZZA DELIVERY," someone yelled as they rung a door bell.

"What the," Sauron turned toward the Black Gate.

"PIZZA DELIVERY," they yelled again.

Sauron yelled at some orcs to go kind out what the noise was.

"PIZZA DELIVERY!"

"Someone go get the pizza," Sauron yelled. But, of course the orcs were too lazy to go get it.

"PIZZA DELIVERY!"

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_**14: Pretend the Palantir is a fortune telling ball. Tell him that you can see a ring falling into a volcano. **_

"I see the future," Ringwraith Number Seven placed his hands on the Palantir as Sauron sat next to Number Seven. Underneath Sauron's helmet, his eyes were rolling.

"I see a golden ring…"

Sauron raised his eyebrows.

"It is falling…There is an eerie red glow around…"

Sauron leaned closer.

"It has landed on fiery red magma… It's sinking…It's gone…"

Sauron glowered and grabbed his sword. Number Seven took one glance and raced away.

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_**15: Tell him that you last saw his ring near Mount Doom.**_

Ringwraiths Four and Five gulped as they walked over to Sauron.

"Why do we always have to be the messengers," Number Four sighed.

"My Lord, we bring news," Number Five announced as they bowed.

"What is it," Sauron leaned back in his throne.

Number Four gulped again. "The Ring was last seen near Mount Doom."

Let's just say the Number Four and Five both needed a lot of band-aids after.

**My favorite was number 14. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry about the wait, I had finals, and several essays to complete. **

**Thank You Nisha A. Hailm, Calyniel of Mirkwood, StarlightDragon1636, Jocasta Silver, YenSerenity, Taryn Streambattle, She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, callingmecloser, VampyressOfCoffee, MadameGiry25, Elvewen, wolf with panther eyes, amberhathaway, WereCatsRule, Werepanther33, Laterose13, Mystery Maiden 016, Karm Starkiller, SilverRainFalls, xion is my fate, tameera, lostsouloftheunderworld, and Katie Ladmoore for reviewing. **

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_**16: Follow him around singing "I Know a Song that gets on Everybody's Nerves."**_

The Mighty Dark Lord Sauron stalked angrily down his hallways.

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves_," two invisible voices sang from behind him.

"AH," Sauron turned around, and lashed his sword into the air. Sadly, the voices didn't disappear.

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves_."

Unknown to Sauron, the two voices belonged to Ringwraiths Seven and Three. Seven and Three had somehow acquired an invisibility cloak, and were making good use of it.

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves_."

With an unusually high pitched shriek, Sauron began running down the hallways, trying to get away from the voices.

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves_."

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_**17: Chase his Ringwraiths around with a torch.**_

The Mouth of Sauron was very bored today. And I mean, _very _bored. So bored, that he was about to take drastic measures.

Later…

"Help," Ringwraith Number Six screamed as he raced away from the cloaked figure that was brandishing a torch in one hand, and a candlestick in the other. As we all know, Ringwraiths have Pyrophobia. Denethor on the other hand, was a pyromaniac.

"Bwahahahahaha," The Mouth of Sauron shouted like a maniac as he chased the poor Ringwraith around.

Just as The Mouth of Sauron rounded the corner, he coiled into Sauron. He took a nervous gulp, when he saw the expression on Sauron's face.

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_**18: Hide behind him, and tell him that you were chased by trees. **_

"My lord, my lord," Ringwraith Number Five ran into the room that Sauron was in, and quickly hid behind him.

"What is it," Sauron glowered.

"It was _so_ horrible," Number Five shivered.

"What," Sauron glowered again.

"It was absolutely terrifying," Number Five continued rambling. "I think that I might have peed my pants.

Sauron rolled his eyes. "What happened," he was still glowering.

"I was chased by these humongous trees!"

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**My favorite was number 16. Please review! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name, Alya Thranduiliell, Sylibane Eclypse, VampyressOfCoffee, StarlightDragon1636, Taryn Streambattle, tameera, xXJedi Knight BlazeXx, Princess Arimae, Silver Moonlight Tigress, MadameGiry25, James Senior, fireamber, Katie Ladmoore, WereCatsRule, and Karm Starkiller for reviewing. **

**Disclaimer: Random Nemesis does not own Lord of the Rings. **

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**_**19: Make him celebrate the **__**anniversary**__** of when he lost his ring with you. **_

Sauron was in a foul mood, a really fool mood.

Today was the anniversary of the day that the Last Alliance of Elves and Men defeated the armies of Mordor.

It was also the day that he lost his ring.

As Sauron walked down the cobweb filled hallways, he stared to get a very bad feeling. The cause of the feeling became apparent when he walked into the throne room.

The throne room was unusually clean, and was decorated with streamers, ribbons, and other horrifying colorful decorations.

He had just walked into a living nightmare.

"Happy anniversary," Ringwraith Number Eight walked over to the stunned dark lord.

Sauron just stared.

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_**20: I will not mistake him for the Witchking.**_

Ringwraith Number Three raced around wildly, in one hand was a broken pair of glasses and in the other was a mug of hot milk. The glasses were Number Three's and the mug of hot milk was for the Witchking.

Yes, the Witchking often got very angry if he didn't get his hot milk in time.

And poor Number Three had very bad eyesight.

As fate would have it, it was then that Sauron and Number Three would collide with each other as they rounded the corner of DOOM.

"I'm s-sorry Witchking, here's your m-milk," Number Three stammered as he handed Sauron the half empty mug of milk. The other half of the hot milk was splattered over Sauron and Number Three. Quickly Number Three raced away, not realizing that it was Sauron. Can't really blame Number Three, after all, everyone in Mordor seems to wear black armor.

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_**21: Still be alive after you have done all these. **_

Sauron sat down in his armchair and took a sip of his black bitter coffee. He then proceeded to pick up the newspaper, and flipped to the obituaries section.

What a shame, it seems that no one has died lately.

CRASH!

Oh dear, it seems that the Ringwraiths have broken another one of Sauron's vases. The obituaries may need to be updated soon.

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**And that's the end. Mwahahahahahaha!**


End file.
